"You Can't Be..."

So recently my life has been completely terrible. Plain and simple it's been awful, I won't even try and hide it. Most of the time though, I put my pain on pause and I help everyone because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm always there when anyone needs me, and so I do what I always have and I help in any way possible. It's hard, and I've been falling apart piece by piece for awhile now and everyone is noticing. All of my friends keep telling me this one phrase, and I heard it in my class today as well. I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me something, and it's a hard lesson for me. Everyone keeps telling me that, "You can't be superman to everyone."

I've heard this from so many people, and then again those exact words from my professor to the class. I heard something along that same line this past summer. It doesn't help matters that I have a mild concussion and so concentrating sometimes is harder than I would like it to be.

Life's hard, but I can't do anything to change that. God's got me, I just have to learn how to lean on Him.
Es lo que es.

Fake It 'Till You Make It...

Warm sunshine glances off of the vibrant colors of the leaves giving a cascading view of the splendor of fall on his walk. The dampened patter of his footsteps along the pavement are muffled by the soft music in his headphones. He walks not to a destination, but away from his present circumstances. The leaves are falling around him and he can't help but smile a little a the irony. He passes many people on his walk, none of them mentionable enough for him to keep a recollection of though, and so he continues to walk.

His mind wanders around, always focusing back to one central concept though. He follows a trail through a park-like area and allows himself to be encased in the natural beauty of the earth. He hears the removed and soft rumble of cars as they drive on their way to some unknown destination in the background, and the soft murmur of the leaves whisking around the wind also remind him of his present situation. His mind wanders, to an instance a couple days before and he allows himself to hope; if only momentarily. He remembers her falling asleep in the early hours of the morning, him sitting there quiet and enjoying being near her. He remembers her reassuring words, and the at home feeling of being around her. His focus shifts though, as the clouds shield the warmth of the sun, and his mood darkens with nature; as if by some divine cue.

He realizes how superficial it's been, and how much of a lack of meaning her words truly carry. He's hurt and disappointed, but he knows that there is no real reason to be either. She was never going to be his, and he should have understood. He pulls out one of his headphones to play with a small puppy for a few minutes. He fakes a smile and moves on once more involved in his thoughts again. He sees her and her friends in a car, and goes over to say hi. After realizing she had been lying down on his lap, his heart drops. He's perfect at playing the fake card though, so he masks his hurt and pretends to enjoy the company of her friends for a couple minutes before leaving again.

The world had once again proven how cruel of a mistress she really is, and the temperature begins to drop as he walks back to his room. New hurt and disappointment flow from his being, but he prays. He prays, because he has nothing else to do with the situation. So he prays, and he prays. After waiting, he gets off of his knees, exhausted and still wounded. Moving from his room, he walks around campus looking for familiar faces to seek solace in and pretend with, but sees the girl and boy cuddling with each other, so once more he smiles away his pain.

Startling Realization

After reading this article, I realize I do want to get married really badly... crap.


Marriage isn't for me it's for the person I love.

Contentedness

Vacant eyed, big eyed stare and uncomprehending facial expressions.

This rather adequately describes the people within my biology class.

Tapping on their keyboards, most people are so blissfully unaware of the knowledge that is being passed along to them, myself included.

Immeasurable time and thought is being placed into this, yet he sits there reading his musical notes. He's absorbed within a reality that is far more real to him then his current situation and so he is content to sit here. He gathers nothing, yet is so involved in his work he forgets to look up even if to make some semblance of trying to pay attention. He's content to sit through the class because it gives him time enough to do other homework, or look up the musical notes that interest him.

She sits there, head on her hands from pain, confusion, and weariness. She's far too tired to do this right now, and far too strong to admit that she's so weary. She takes notes, but only sometimes. Otherwise her phone is the captivator of her attention, and she longs to be anywhere but here. She's content to sit here though because it's necessary, and she enjoys learning when she can focus, and be a good student.

He sits there, coffee on his lap as he looks up other more interesting topics for him to explore because this one is so easily accessible and the knowledge is easy for him to grasp. He looks on, trying to find something to grasp his interest, a superficial knowledge of something more entertaining than this at least. He sits there content to pay partial attention, because there are snippets of information that he does enjoy since he likes the subject.

I sit here, typing away my class trying to find an eloquent way to spend the period yet all I can think of is how I wish for it to be over. I'd much rather my time be spent somewhere else, yet at the same time I'm content to sit here. It gives me time to collect my thoughts, and be within the expanses of my own mind. I sit here content just being near her because I've missed that, I've missed her. 

The Climax

So, my mood has been getting better. It's still hard sometimes but it's getting easier a little by little. One of them has removed me from all social media and decided that her life will be better if I only talk to her if I absolutely have to. I understand and respect that completely though it's very hard. Then with the other one, she has decided to start including me in her life again, we're hanging out tomorrow so we'll see how awkward that is...

I saw this poem, and it made me think of them both. Oh well, I'm praying for them both and I really do hope that God does amazing things for and through them.

Fake It

It doesn't matter much and I don't really care
About your flawless smile, and your soft, warm eyed stare.
It shouldn't even affect me
How your laugh rings through my ears
Or how you'd hold my eyes and I'd forget all of my fears.
So i'll just continue on my life
And pretend you were never a part
Because the way you pretend I'm not
Destroys and breaks my heart.

Pretty much my day to though...

My night consists of eating my frosty, by myself, in my room. Yay for friends.

Insomniac

So I've recently become a bit of an insomniac.

It's not all that bad,
I'm awake for more than most people so I guess that's fun.

I've only hallucinated a couple times,
 and I don't even think that I'm tired most of the time.

A couple hours of broken sleep a night yeah!!

 It's fine, no big deal.

Blah.

It's still so hard and weird to talk to her... I want to but I just don't know what to say.

"Hey, it's nice to see you! Thanks for helping ruin my life recently, other than the depression, lack of sleep and food, thoughts of worthlessness, and gnawing ache in my heart I've been fantastic!"

Just enough

I'm preaching tomorrow, I'm not mentally or emotionally stable enough to consider myself ready to do this, but I have to.

God give me strength, renew me and help me.

At least enough to let me fake being okay.

At least enough to see her face tomorrow without getting upset again.
[edit: thank goodness she isn't coming I don't think I could handle it but I won't see her for like a week.]

At least enough to put on my church clothes, and let everyone think I'm okay.

At least enough so that people think I've got it all together.

Please help me.

Thank you Jesus.

Ew... Emotions

Sigh, I am just drained. I'm so tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I feel defeated, alone, worthless, and like I'm easy to cut off.

But I know that God is still good, so I'll wait on Him to renew my strength and help pick me back up. I'm content to wait, but I'm spiraling down and it's so hard to stop.

I know it's easy for me to push people away and most of the time I can do it fairly easily, but I'm growing weary, and I'm tired of always being alone.

Though I have learned one thing, never like girls. Haha, it sounds stupid but I usually don't like girls but I liked one for awhile and I got pushed aside fairly quickly.

I won't do that again.
My mistake.

Stay calm Tre', breathe.
The best is yet to come.

On Invariability...

Life's lack of consistency is disregarded until strife enters the fray of the human psyche, and then chaos erupts. We are a passionless people, yet when we feel as if the very thing that binds our existence to this plane is threatened we become suddenly hyper-aware of our mortality. Perhaps we don't value our lives until we realize how much we have to lose, then again perhaps we are just ignorant.

Monotony thou art a cruel, unerringly silent mistress that captivates our souls and binds us to the fabric of routine which enslaves us to habit.

Impressive.

Drifting...

"Can you feel it crush you?
Does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from these things that hold you down.
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you've shined this is surely not your best."
-Colors

These blurred lines string together a multitude of realities
That in the end form my own self defeating threads.
I'm falling faster then I'd care to admit and my inability
To carry out a basic desire of self-sufficiency ends.
So I stand, pretending, uncaring, and not really all there
And my mind is wandering trapped as a vagabond in my own conscious.
Doomed to traverse my thoughts I walk along the corridors
Of a mind so torn, so disconnected, so noxious.
I crave an escape, I would delight in freedom
From a contract of life that has already been signed,
But still I walk, hoping, praying for something better
For at this rate I fear I will slowly lose my mind.

Almost Is Never Enough

I just watched the Mortal Instruments movie and the soundtrack is to die for. This song though... right in the heart.

The Believers War

We often forget who we are worshipping. A lot of the times it's really hard to get into that "zone" where we can actually feel the presence of God. I want to be able to live in that "zone" though, I want it to be a walk of a lifetime. I don't want to settle for anything less than a walk in total faith and surrender with God.

I want to contend for His heart because He died for mine.

Thoughts at 5 A.M.

I fell asleep at about 2 this morning, so it's roughly been like 3 hours since I actually laid down. I wasn't that tired when I went to sleep, and sitting outside right now I'm completely awake. It's really funny how God does these things sometime, I would never have guessed I'd be on the boardwalk in Jersey staying in a condo of some friends with a pastor and his family. Everyone is such a blessing, and it really is such an opportunity to be out here with everyone and I know that God will be able to use everyone greatly for His purpose as long as they make themselves open and completely transparent for the Kingdom.

I woke up at 5 because I heard people screaming at each other outside, and then as I was laying on the floor listening after it quieted down someones alarm went off on their phone. I think that was God telling me to wake up because it's nice to begin my day. I went outside to be where I could be a bit louder, but really not even loud at all. It's very chilly and I keep shivering and shaking which makes it very hard to type this post up. Everyone else is still asleep which is weird.

I've been having bad allergies for the past few days which sucks because I can't breathe through my nose. I literally was dreaming about killing myself because I couldn't breathe through my nose, it was weird. Definitely not a reason to kill myself, even though it is a very annoying thing. I dreamed that I rebuked my allergies, and I wasn't worried anymore about it. That was sort of how the dream ended if I remember correctly...

I'm watching the sun slowly rise as all the birds fly around. It seems that really the rest of the world is still sleeping. I know that's not true, but it's just what it seems like since I only see the occasional person. Sunrises are wonderful, so it'll be nice to be able to watch one undisturbed. If only it were about 70 degrees right now...

Yesterday was fantastic. From church to the boardwalk yesterday was just amazing fun. The highlight of my day yesterday was just being able to spend time with her. It was nice being able to veer off a little behind, side, or in front of everyone and talk just us. It was wonderful, and that was all that I needed really; to be close to her and just talk. She's a blessing from God, and I know that no matter what comes our way I think that we will be able to overcome it. I still worry sometimes that she'll realize how much she deserves and that it's so much more then what I can give her and she will lose interest, but the selfish part of me really wants to keep her for myself.

The sun by now is casting off this orange hue into the sky, and it is a lot brighter then when I first started this about a half an hour ago. As I sit here looking around, I just see the random snippets of peoples lives, and they are unaware that I'm here. I bet a lot of the times this is how God feels, watching  us. Connected and able to affect everything going on, but letting us make our own decisions each day so we can grow and learn.

The couple that fights and screams and the rest of the world looks on wondering why they are still together, the man that gets into his truck on his way to work like the rest of us, the man leaving with a bag in one arm, and a small child in the other, the two teenagers walking along together down the sidewalk talking in hushed whispers, and the older man humming loudly through on his shiny motorcycle. I'd love to be able to meet them all, and find out more about them, find out why they do what they do.

Maybe the couple that is always yelling at each other is fighting to hold onto something that's slipping away from them, or perhaps there was infidelity with one or the other. I can only imagine that the man leaving for work is facing a lot of unseen obstacles, maybe he has a wife who desperately needs treatment for a fatal disease and he is leaving for his second job. Maybe the man with the bag in one arm and the child in the other was simply moving something into the car, or maybe his spouse is abusive to them both and he doesn't want a child raised in that sort of environment. Maybe the two teenagers walking along whispering in hushed tones were simply on their way back from a night of partying and fun, or maybe they were walking away from a traumatic experience involving one of their friends and they were still stunned. Maybe the older man on the bike was just happy to enjoy the weather that finally took a turn for the warmer, or maybe he was riding away from all of his troubles and fears for the day hoping to get rid of them by just going away for a bit.

We are never really sure what anyone is going through or what their needs in any given situation are. I don't judge, I merely observe. Today is a day that we observe all of those who lost their lives for our country, and I certainly don't plan on being disrespectful. Thank you for all of those who gave their lives because you realized that true freedom and liberty is worth dying for.

All gave some, some gave all.

As I finish this post up I can see the first glimpses of the sun beyond the other condos, more and more cars are rolling through, so this is a sign that the day is ready to begin finally. Mother Nature is now awake, and the rest of the world begins to open its sleepy eyes as well to join in with the rest of us who are up. It's 6 a.m. I suppose it is time to begin with the day.

Good morning, and I hope that God blesses each and everyone of you today. If you are reading this, then He already has just by allowing you to wake up. Take delight in the little things.

Cheers,
Shellshocked

The Human Struggle

"There is nothing, absolutely nothing, no fear, no insecurity, no doubt, no hesitation that will ever stop us.
Because we are the sons of a living God.
Because we are the children of the Almighty.
Because we are the residents of the kingdom of heaven."
-For Today~ Talmidim (The Servants)

There is a disease called culture that needs to be cured,
Because there are often thousands of voices that go unheard.
Society Pauses...
Then Draws Its
Wheezing breath hoping to revitalize its dying heart.
So it can continue its grip on humanity, an age old art.

Strengthened by culture and continually led on by humanity, society is thriving.
The machine is fed from an endless supply of people, who continue striving.
Mankind Realizes
That It's Been Fed Lies And,
There is more to life then living in complete and total desolation.
Jesus Christ is revealed, and his love a weapon of absolute annihilation.

So humankind rises against its oppressor as Jesus is now among them
They are a new creation, and their hope and dreams are found in a new stem.
Society Pauses...
Then Draws Its
Wheezing last breath scared because its heart is so fragile now.
Humanity pushes onward, sons of a living God who makes Society bow.

The children of the almighty, and the residents of heaven make their final assault,
The world groans, the mountains tremble as the climax of the battle is now at a halt.
The Spark That Was Ignited.
The Saving Grace That Excited,
Defeated Society, and ended the oppression that plagued humanity.
Jesus gave them that security and that boldness, he ended that insanity.

Gosh I'm hungry

Why am I always hungry?

I think I have a disease... I eat all the time but I can't eat a lot at once.

Food is good though, even though I should eat healthier.

Maybe I will, and work out.

I wanna get into MMA.

Probably won't though.

Oh well.

So many option, so much to do.

And then this just happened...

So I'll see where I'm at a few months or what I'm doing.

Right now I'm just...

Simply, overwhelmed.

My Summer At a Glance...

Well I'm in New Jersey for my internship with Worship Church! It's amazing, a lot of fun and a lot of work. We are going to be doing so much this summer it's crazy, and I know God is going to move so amazingly that everyone involved won't be the same at the end of the summer. My friend and I share the basement downstairs and it's nice and freezing. He's the other intern for the summer, and he's a great guy. He's really funny and he's got a great heart; he reminds me a lot of Charlie Brown. He's a really talented guy and I know that he is gonna be used in tremendous ways this summer! I'm living with the Pastor and his family and they are such a blessing. They are so accommodating and genuinely in love with the Lord. They are all extremely funny and talented as well, and I love how they are so chill.

I'm surrounded by such above average people, you know the extraordinary that it is really hard not to realize just how average and ordinary I am. They have all of these incredible qualities and talents and I don't really do anything. Oh well, God will use me too I know it!

I'm going to be preaching for the youth ministry we are starting this summer, and I'm extremely excited about that. I know that God is going to breathe life into the spiritually dead in them, and I know that He will break chains of bondage in so many people's lives. This summer is all about losing control, and letting go. It's all about that radical faith and abandonment of ourselves we are called to everyday.

Post-Church Thoughts

I have so much to do, and almost no time to do any of it in. There are ten thousand people I have to hang out with, and I only have a week to do it in. I'm just hoping that I can do everything that I need to in the time that I have.


I had a date with my best friend yesterday which was awesome! It's so nice getting to hang out with her this week some. We went to the park, some little diner downtown, to the mall, and finally back at my place for video games. It was a pretty awesome day needless to say. I climbed a waterfall while we were at the park, it was pretty cool not gonna lie. She goes on vacation with her family and boyfriend on Friday I believe, so it'll be the last time I see them until like Christmas unless they visit me up in Jersey.

I've decided that I don't like being a leader. I'm always pressed to do things a certain way, or act a certain way because people are always watching what I do. I don't understand why it's my responsibility to act one way simply because people are going to do what I do. It's their choice, why does it have to affect me? It's just obnoxious.

I really just wanna turn my phone off, I talk to a lot of people but none of them are really talking about anything. They just wanna talk, to talk. Conversations like that don't hold my interest for very long unless I like you(and I can't even talk to her haha), so don't take it personally if it takes me half the day to respond to that 9 a.m. text of yours. I bet if God had a cellphone, he'd have the same problem except on a much larger scale.

I don't really know why I made this post, I didn't talk about anything at all... I guess it was something to do before church. So for anyone reading this... uhm text or message me this phrase: "MUSTACHE BRIGADE" and you will get a free high-five next time I see you. Jesus loves you. So do I... sort of. 

Almost

Well, the semester is almost over and almost all of my classes are done. As I write this I have a 16+ slide powerpoint to do, a questions assignment to finish, a 6 page outline to do, and a 5 page paper to do as well. It sounds like a lot, but it really isn't to much if I just set my mind to do it. It should only take   all night. I'm so close to it all being done, I go home in a couple days and I can hang out before my internship starts and the summer really kicks off. I'm so excited to go home and hang out with my friends for a few days, and then I'm extremely excited about what God is going to do this summer in New Jersey where I'll be interning but just right now I can't really say I'm happy. I had to stop talking to the girl I like tonight because the way things were going it would jeopardize the internship. So we've decided not to text, and along with this new turn of events I think that will mean things will change in person as well. Just a general withdrawing from each other in general I guess is what has to happen... but it'll be tough. I know it's whats best, but it is still really hard. I just hope that because we have to draw back, that when we can talk again and figure things out that things won't have changed between us. I'd like to believe that, but the odds are stacked against us I believe. I just don't want it to be the death of something that might have happened. To think, we were so close...

Surrounded

My friends are right. I'm always surrounded by people, but I don't ever hang out with any of them. It's a lonely life, but sometimes you just don't know how to do anything different. So you just go along with what you know... and just hope that it's enough.

The most melancholy soul sings the sweetest note,

Yet has the most heartbreaking cry.

Those with the most breathtaking smile,

Are also those who weep and sigh.

A socialite in their environment can control the room,

But that little butterfly is all on its own.

People who are the most in control of themselves

Can also be a total wreck in their home.

"We wear the mask that grins and lies..."

-Paul Dunbar Lawrence

Last Man Standing

The following event is recorded in the hopes of remembering the fallen. Witnessed and recorded by the Scout Deborah.

             It was an overcast day in the year 3102, the wind was whipping my hair around as I stood lookout watching as humanity fell apart. I was scouting ahead for fellow survivors using my communication device when it happened. I was in my technological headquarters as an eagle eye, when a comrade told me that they needed to reach the Food Bank. I was making an exit strategy to reach the destination and it was all clear, no adversaries in sight. They started their trek across, and with one weapon in hand they went out to begin the run. A zombie emerged from a building, no warning given to his impending destruction. I alerted the survivors of his presence, and the leader of the trio stated "I got this," if only I knew now that he needed the help.
             Knowing that they would need assistance I rushed inside to grab ammo. I came back to my post to watch as my closest companion died. I saw their Leader grappling with a zombie, and picked up the communication device to see what form of assistance he needed. All I heard was wrestling and wind as I watched the struggle ensue. And as the leader was bitten by the zombie, the line went dead. The other two survivors by this time had scattered and had left him behind to die. They were at the food bank, as their former comrade changed before their eyes. Heartbroken and mortified I must now create an antidote. Farewell and goodbye old friend.
.lll.(Hunger Games respect reference)

Heart Attack

You know that feeling when two people just click, and they hit it off so amazingly? One of my friends

had that happen to him, and I was just so happy that they really were able to just get along so well. I

make a lot of fuss when it comes to dating, and love but I'm a romantic kind of guy at heart. There's this

one girl that I've been talking to for a little while now and it's been fun. I mean it's hard considering we

won't ever have any alone time, but she's definitely worth it. I don't know what she's gone through, but

I hope I can show her that I'm different.  I'll work on her though, this  is one I don't think I'm gonna

give up on; she's different, special.

I think this is the song playing through her head when I'm around.

Bankrupt

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith to say to a mountain, 'Jump,' and it jumps, but don't love, I'm nothing.

If I give all I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."
-1 Corinthians 13:1-3
The Message

God has laid this on my heart right now, and I just want to take a minute to just talk about it. If we do anything that is apart from love, we are doing nothing. That means we have to define what love is, and if we continue reading on the Bible gives us a pretty clear example of what it says that love should be.

"Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always 'me first,' Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit."
-1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

That's a fairly accurate description of what everyone thinks love should be. Love is self-sacrificing, it is gentle, calm, forgetting of past wrongs, loves truth, and the most important; love is forever. Oxford describes love as: "a strong feeling of affection, a great interest and pleasure in something." That's not nearly as all encompassing as the Bible's definition, but the Urban dictionary had my two favorite descriptions of love out of them all.



"The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go."

And lastly,

"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not too."

The last definition sums it all up quite nicely in my opinion. So, that brings us back up to the first verse,
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy, but I don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate."

If we can speak in tongues, and sway the masses with a silver tongue, and we don't show that unconditional affection in the process, our actions are worthless and empty. We cannot preach an attitude, but be hollow to our own words. Our greatest witness is example, and by omitting a loving attitude we hinder any growth someone else could have through us. A lot of the times we are the only witness some people will ever see, and if we don't show them the love of Christ in the process but merely speak a pleasing message then we are ultimately missing the point of the Gospel.

We move on to the second verse,
"If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith to say to a mountain, 'Jump,' and it jumps but I don't love I'm nothing."

It doesn't matter if we have the power of Prophecy, or faith so amazing that the the earth itself will bend before you so long as we don't love. We can do these incredible deeds but they will get us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. The spiritual gifts come second to love, because they are nothing but expressions of that love. Prophecy and faith are merely in response to God. His grace/love saved us, and our prophetic dreams and visions, or faith in Him and abilities are just returning what He has already showed us. Our position with God is one of response, not of initiation. Apart from love, our spiritual gifts are nothing. There is no need for them apart from praising God, and if we do them but don't love then our gifts are dead in themselves for they are just expression.

The last verse sums it all up, and drives it all home.

"If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

Even if we were to give up all of our earthly belongings, or die for our faith yet we do it apart from love we have done nothing. Any act not born out of love, is a dead act. We have nothing in our faith if we can't show that love that is so central to our message.

1 John 4:19

"We love because He first loved us."
-New International Version

Decisiveness

You are asleep you assume and everything is dark; save for the deep azure glow that seems to emanate from somewhere in the distance. You have an important task to do, but no one has told you what it is. The world seems to be at a standstill, holding its breath waiting for you to make a decision. Everyone is watching expectantly, assuming that you know what to do. 

Are you ready?

You begin to walk in this dark, an unforgiving place. Your steps get heavier as you trudge on and you pass door after door. Some lead to your memories, others to nightmares, or at you least think so. None of them are what you want though so you keep going. It's as if the rest of eternity rides on this one decision, perhaps it does but you don't know. The universe has been spinning towards this one moment. Everything will either go up in flames, or the real journey will begin.

Are you ready?

It seems like an awful lot of weight on one persons shoulders, but you are the only one who can bear it. You pass familiar faces as you walk the corridors of your mind, each one watching your steps apprehensively. Maybe the next one will be your last, but you don't understand. So they all wait. You see one particular door, the one with the glow. You feel yourself breathe in deeply as you swing the door open.

Are you ready?

A blinding light fills your vision, and you know this is it. You'll have to decide whatever it is everyone is waiting for whether you like it or not. As your vision clears you see an angel robed in spotless white, standing next to you. Its eyes are filled with an ageless wisdom, and an expectant smile is on its face. You feel your heart lurch, as it motions out towards an object in the distance. It looks at you quizzically and you feel rather then hear the impression of a question in its gaze.

Are you ready?

 You begin to walk towards the object but realize you are walking on water. You walk confidently, all is serene as you look around you. But the scene changes, and the endless white scene is gone. It's a raging sea, and you look behind you at the angel. In its place is a boat, and in front of you is Jesus. You are afraid, but now you realize this is it. You begin to sink and it's time to make a decision  

Are you ready?

Dance of a Lifetime

My life is a ball. My friend pointed out to me the first week I was here how my relationship was with everyone. I'm like a lost puppy. Everyone likes me, but no one really has a deep attachment to me. Eventually I'll get hit and everyone will be sad, but then they'll get a new one. He said it again yesterday, and I realized how completely true it is. I hang out with a ton of people, but it's simply superficial with everyone. It's the same back home though, so I suppose you get used to it. Though when everyone constantly points out your faults it's annoying. I mean everyone has feelings, and I may be good at laughing everything off but it still hurts. Y'know?

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,-

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

Nay, let them only see us, while

We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

We sing, but oh the clay is vile

Beneath our feet and long the mile;

But let the world dream otherwise,

We wear the mask!
-Paul Dunbar Lawrence

So I suppose this is a welcome?

Welcome to the Masquerade.

Breathe

Stop.
Breathe.
Close your eyes.

Awaken.
Breathe.
Fantasize.

Clear your head.
Breathe.
Relax.

Let it go.
Breathe.
The climax.

Scars and Souveneirs

I wrote all of these around like five in the morning when I couldn't fall asleep a month or two ago. The last one... I'm not entirely sure what I was doing. I think I was just really exhausted and sleep deprived so don't judge them too harshly.

We're not friends, we're not enemies
Just strangers with some memories.
The sad part was of you and I,
One wanted us to live, the other to die.
Fighting to keep it alive, I dragged us out,
'Till there was no more reason for either to hang about.
So now we're nothing more then some silent tears,
Left behind as we are; just scars and souvenirs.

Buried in thoughts long gone,
A slow and traumatic song.
It sings of good times; happiness and love
That sort of merriment from above.
Of laughing and hugging
That youthful sweet nothing.
It sings of our loss of connection,
The relationship with infection.
An immeasurable distance not of body but mind,
And of a friendship that now flickers but used to shine.
Our once solid ground is slippery with fears,
So we stumble into darkness; our scars and souvenirs.
Resurfaced ideas that now grip the soul,
The song sings again, the rhyme has become whole.

Your image flashes before my eyes,
While yet again, I believe your lies.
I choose to hope, to let you redeem
And yet again you kill that dream.
I gave you my heart, to be mercifully kind
But yet again you prove to blind.
I try and destroy these emotional spears
And yet you keep me pinned, with our scars and souvenirs.

If I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Sign me up and I'll escape,
Let me loose before I break.
Throw me out and shut me down,
But I'll be on top before I drown.
I'll do me in a pearly white gown
And resting on my head that celestial crown.
You do you and fight in vain,
Ignore my words and keep your chain.
You say you're better off 'fore I came
That's cool too, just live the same.
Be careful little eyes what you see
'Cause you satisfy my curiosity.
Show restraint, and avoid the fee
Instead look on God's luminosity.
Lead a nice life, you think you're good?
I understand 'cause that's where I stood.
See God says we do as He says we should.
Let me help make sure it's not misunderstood;
He created us, formed us, and breathed us life
Now we chose to leave, and we brought strife.
Gods plan is for us to be born, not once but twice.
We are redeemed by His son who payed our price.
I'm done with these pain and tears
I've cast my lot, said farewell and cheers.
I dug a grave and threw in my fears,
Buried and forgotten; those old scars and souvenirs.

The Story Left Untold

We watched the movie Antwone Fisher in Film and Culture a couple days ago and I just felt like I wanted to write again. This is going to be based off of my favorite stanza out of a poem Antwone wrote.

"Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man."

           -Antwone Fisher

What if I told you a story, a story left untold?

A tale so tragic that it should have never been able to unfold.

We start off with a child, a boy no older than three

God's mercy and grace nearly transparent as far as we see.

His parents are not examples they show no sign of character

For his dad is a deadbeat and gone, his mom a walking disaster.

He was bottle-fed beer; a stronger stomach was what they hoped,

His mom was beaten, drugged, held captive, and groped.

Though why no one knew, she stayed and she coped.

She had a heart of gold, and his father abused that kindness

So again and again it became her weakness, a pitch-black blindness.

Fast forward a couple years and now he has a one year old sister

Her dad was shot leaving their mom on her own making her bitter.

They live with their grandparents their mom unfit since the murder.

At surface level fine, but we dig a bit further

We realize that the grandparents have no loving fervor

When it comes to spousal operation it is basically warfare.

His sister is kidnapped, and panic flash through his mind.

His father wants money and almost all humanity has been left completely behind.

She comes back unscathed, everyone shaken by the trauma

Though he stays quiet, for he adopts it as his dogma.

To be seen and not heard when, thinking

He veils himself and builds walls though all done unthinking.

The grandfather an alcoholic and abusive, the grandmother depressed

Our little boy is now eight; a newborn sister has come to rest.

His dad returned if only for a moment, makes no connection with the son

And is soon jailed for years, a complex thought process the boy has begun.

He's a quiet one, introverted by his experiences but caring deeply nonetheless,

Showing off minimal emotion he keeps to himself choosing the road of acquiescence.

Now the stories tempo changes, as we fast forward into his life,

He's seventeen now and a camp experience shines through the strife.

He comes back Spirit filled and his grandparent’s marriage is in complete shambles,

A drunken and provoked rage almost had his grandmother's life become a gamble.

So they moved her out quickly before things got too bad, and the boy moved out on his own.

The boy was now a man, he had gone through a lot to be considered grown.

Off to college to fulfill His calling, he entered the next stage

And we see him press on he writes on the lives of others page by page.

The acquiescent road he chose comes heavily into play, as everyone realizes

That this seemingly together man has troubles internalized.

Piece by piece they begin to discover someone who's walked on burning sand.

Slowly, but surely they discover the boy inside the man.

Slowly, but surely they discover the boy inside the man.