"You Can't Be..."

So recently my life has been completely terrible. Plain and simple it's been awful, I won't even try and hide it. Most of the time though, I put my pain on pause and I help everyone because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm always there when anyone needs me, and so I do what I always have and I help in any way possible. It's hard, and I've been falling apart piece by piece for awhile now and everyone is noticing. All of my friends keep telling me this one phrase, and I heard it in my class today as well. I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me something, and it's a hard lesson for me. Everyone keeps telling me that, "You can't be superman to everyone."

I've heard this from so many people, and then again those exact words from my professor to the class. I heard something along that same line this past summer. It doesn't help matters that I have a mild concussion and so concentrating sometimes is harder than I would like it to be.

Life's hard, but I can't do anything to change that. God's got me, I just have to learn how to lean on Him.
Es lo que es.

Fake It 'Till You Make It...

Warm sunshine glances off of the vibrant colors of the leaves giving a cascading view of the splendor of fall on his walk. The dampened patter of his footsteps along the pavement are muffled by the soft music in his headphones. He walks not to a destination, but away from his present circumstances. The leaves are falling around him and he can't help but smile a little a the irony. He passes many people on his walk, none of them mentionable enough for him to keep a recollection of though, and so he continues to walk.

His mind wanders around, always focusing back to one central concept though. He follows a trail through a park-like area and allows himself to be encased in the natural beauty of the earth. He hears the removed and soft rumble of cars as they drive on their way to some unknown destination in the background, and the soft murmur of the leaves whisking around the wind also remind him of his present situation. His mind wanders, to an instance a couple days before and he allows himself to hope; if only momentarily. He remembers her falling asleep in the early hours of the morning, him sitting there quiet and enjoying being near her. He remembers her reassuring words, and the at home feeling of being around her. His focus shifts though, as the clouds shield the warmth of the sun, and his mood darkens with nature; as if by some divine cue.

He realizes how superficial it's been, and how much of a lack of meaning her words truly carry. He's hurt and disappointed, but he knows that there is no real reason to be either. She was never going to be his, and he should have understood. He pulls out one of his headphones to play with a small puppy for a few minutes. He fakes a smile and moves on once more involved in his thoughts again. He sees her and her friends in a car, and goes over to say hi. After realizing she had been lying down on his lap, his heart drops. He's perfect at playing the fake card though, so he masks his hurt and pretends to enjoy the company of her friends for a couple minutes before leaving again.

The world had once again proven how cruel of a mistress she really is, and the temperature begins to drop as he walks back to his room. New hurt and disappointment flow from his being, but he prays. He prays, because he has nothing else to do with the situation. So he prays, and he prays. After waiting, he gets off of his knees, exhausted and still wounded. Moving from his room, he walks around campus looking for familiar faces to seek solace in and pretend with, but sees the girl and boy cuddling with each other, so once more he smiles away his pain.

Startling Realization

After reading this article, I realize I do want to get married really badly... crap.


Marriage isn't for me it's for the person I love.

Contentedness

Vacant eyed, big eyed stare and uncomprehending facial expressions.

This rather adequately describes the people within my biology class.

Tapping on their keyboards, most people are so blissfully unaware of the knowledge that is being passed along to them, myself included.

Immeasurable time and thought is being placed into this, yet he sits there reading his musical notes. He's absorbed within a reality that is far more real to him then his current situation and so he is content to sit here. He gathers nothing, yet is so involved in his work he forgets to look up even if to make some semblance of trying to pay attention. He's content to sit through the class because it gives him time enough to do other homework, or look up the musical notes that interest him.

She sits there, head on her hands from pain, confusion, and weariness. She's far too tired to do this right now, and far too strong to admit that she's so weary. She takes notes, but only sometimes. Otherwise her phone is the captivator of her attention, and she longs to be anywhere but here. She's content to sit here though because it's necessary, and she enjoys learning when she can focus, and be a good student.

He sits there, coffee on his lap as he looks up other more interesting topics for him to explore because this one is so easily accessible and the knowledge is easy for him to grasp. He looks on, trying to find something to grasp his interest, a superficial knowledge of something more entertaining than this at least. He sits there content to pay partial attention, because there are snippets of information that he does enjoy since he likes the subject.

I sit here, typing away my class trying to find an eloquent way to spend the period yet all I can think of is how I wish for it to be over. I'd much rather my time be spent somewhere else, yet at the same time I'm content to sit here. It gives me time to collect my thoughts, and be within the expanses of my own mind. I sit here content just being near her because I've missed that, I've missed her.