The Climax

So, my mood has been getting better. It's still hard sometimes but it's getting easier a little by little. One of them has removed me from all social media and decided that her life will be better if I only talk to her if I absolutely have to. I understand and respect that completely though it's very hard. Then with the other one, she has decided to start including me in her life again, we're hanging out tomorrow so we'll see how awkward that is...

I saw this poem, and it made me think of them both. Oh well, I'm praying for them both and I really do hope that God does amazing things for and through them.

Fake It

It doesn't matter much and I don't really care
About your flawless smile, and your soft, warm eyed stare.
It shouldn't even affect me
How your laugh rings through my ears
Or how you'd hold my eyes and I'd forget all of my fears.
So i'll just continue on my life
And pretend you were never a part
Because the way you pretend I'm not
Destroys and breaks my heart.

Pretty much my day to though...

My night consists of eating my frosty, by myself, in my room. Yay for friends.

Insomniac

So I've recently become a bit of an insomniac.

It's not all that bad,
I'm awake for more than most people so I guess that's fun.

I've only hallucinated a couple times,
 and I don't even think that I'm tired most of the time.

A couple hours of broken sleep a night yeah!!

 It's fine, no big deal.

Blah.

It's still so hard and weird to talk to her... I want to but I just don't know what to say.

"Hey, it's nice to see you! Thanks for helping ruin my life recently, other than the depression, lack of sleep and food, thoughts of worthlessness, and gnawing ache in my heart I've been fantastic!"

Just enough

I'm preaching tomorrow, I'm not mentally or emotionally stable enough to consider myself ready to do this, but I have to.

God give me strength, renew me and help me.

At least enough to let me fake being okay.

At least enough to see her face tomorrow without getting upset again.
[edit: thank goodness she isn't coming I don't think I could handle it but I won't see her for like a week.]

At least enough to put on my church clothes, and let everyone think I'm okay.

At least enough so that people think I've got it all together.

Please help me.

Thank you Jesus.

Ew... Emotions

Sigh, I am just drained. I'm so tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I feel defeated, alone, worthless, and like I'm easy to cut off.

But I know that God is still good, so I'll wait on Him to renew my strength and help pick me back up. I'm content to wait, but I'm spiraling down and it's so hard to stop.

I know it's easy for me to push people away and most of the time I can do it fairly easily, but I'm growing weary, and I'm tired of always being alone.

Though I have learned one thing, never like girls. Haha, it sounds stupid but I usually don't like girls but I liked one for awhile and I got pushed aside fairly quickly.

I won't do that again.
My mistake.

Stay calm Tre', breathe.
The best is yet to come.

On Invariability...

Life's lack of consistency is disregarded until strife enters the fray of the human psyche, and then chaos erupts. We are a passionless people, yet when we feel as if the very thing that binds our existence to this plane is threatened we become suddenly hyper-aware of our mortality. Perhaps we don't value our lives until we realize how much we have to lose, then again perhaps we are just ignorant.

Monotony thou art a cruel, unerringly silent mistress that captivates our souls and binds us to the fabric of routine which enslaves us to habit.

Impressive.

Drifting...

"Can you feel it crush you?
Does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from these things that hold you down.
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you've shined this is surely not your best."
-Colors

These blurred lines string together a multitude of realities
That in the end form my own self defeating threads.
I'm falling faster then I'd care to admit and my inability
To carry out a basic desire of self-sufficiency ends.
So I stand, pretending, uncaring, and not really all there
And my mind is wandering trapped as a vagabond in my own conscious.
Doomed to traverse my thoughts I walk along the corridors
Of a mind so torn, so disconnected, so noxious.
I crave an escape, I would delight in freedom
From a contract of life that has already been signed,
But still I walk, hoping, praying for something better
For at this rate I fear I will slowly lose my mind.