Friday, January 31, 2014

Brokenhearted People

Porcelain hearts, and perfect masks of glass.
The arsenal of the brokenhearted consists of cold indifference, simply because... well the heart might shatter and the glass can crack. What's underneath is ugly, and it raw. The pain is real, and it doesn't stop. The pain doesn't consume me anymore, but it still throbs. This isn't poetic or eloquent. Perhaps soon I'll write and it will be... maybe tomorrow. For now, no. For now, a song.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Creed

It had been three years since he had met that man with the horrible scar. Three years since he had given his freedom up for a woman he barely knew. Three years ago today. Ever since that day Cierra and him had been training and breaking their bodies to follow Kay and his demands. Today was their last day of training, their final test. Jeremy exhaled, relieved that it was finally the end of training, but he didn’t know what today’s test was. The other tests they had told him their purpose, had prepared him for them in every way. He was terrifyingly efficient at combat. There was absolutely nothing that his physical prowess would not allow him to do, and his cunning was unmatched save perhaps Kay himself. There was one thing that always seemed to mar the perfection he had seemingly achieved according to Kay: love. Jeremy had a streak of good in him that had gotten him to trouble with Kay on more then one occasion in the past.
Jeremy opens his eyes, his daggers held limply in his hands. He wore what he felt most comfortable in these days. Fitted black pants, a plain white shirt, and a hooded leather jacket along with some combat boots. Cierra had always teased him when they started dating about his new look, she had told him he was trying to look to masculine. He didn’t care. They’re just clothes. He looked around the room he was in, and it was all white, with a glass ceiling above him. He was waiting on Kay.
He glanced back down at the polished, spotlessly white daggers in his hands. They were his favorite weapons and when his instructor told him to choose something for his final test he knew there could be no other option. He’d found them with Cierra on one of their many “dates” into the forested area around the city, if you could call hunting for old junk dates. They were his favorite though because they were longer than most daggers, almost as long as short swords and they were slightly hooked on the end. They didn’t do much damage going in, but coming out…
“You think I won’t do it huh?” Jeremy says, a playful edge in his voice.
“You’re to stiff! You would never.” Cierra says it in a matter-of-fact tone.
He rubs his head, almost reluctantly as he releases a sigh of resignation at her observation.
“I do wish I could run away… from Kay, the contract and all of it.”
“Run away to what? I’d rather be here, with purpose.”
She had always liked the idea more then he had, but he had grown accustomed to it over time.
“I just feel like… it isn’t right. I want more, I want to be more.”
She nuzzled against his side as they lay there on the warm grass, pulling him closer to her.
“We can be more.” A smile tugging at her lips.
He pulled her into him and kissed her deeply, and as he pulled her he felt something jab into his side daggers.

His mind snaps back into attention as the door in front of him opens and it’s Cierra, holding her signature chakrams in each hand. He looked at her confused, and he noticed her smug determination. He couldn’t focus on the weapons though she looked absolutely stunning. She let her long hair fall down past her shoulders, its dark brown pallor making her pale features stand out against the plain white dress she had on. He never understood why she fought in a dress, mobility he assumed but he didn’t really care too much about her lack of modesty.

“Well now that you’re both here, the final test can begin.” The sound emanated from the earpieces that had been surgically infused into their skulls.
“What’s this about Kay? Jeremy asked, his voice wavering slightly.
“Your last test is the ultimate test of survival. One of you must die.” Kay sounded smug, but why he didn’t understand.
Jeremy looked at Cierra; the helpless look on his face was met by one of grim determination of her own.
“Let’s get to it then.” With that she threw one of the chakrams at Jeremy, his startled being only able to roll left away from the attack.
“You can’t be serious…” His voice breaking, watching the chakram divert its course to follow his roll.
“You heard him, I’ve just been using you this whole time anyway. I knew this would come.” Metal on metal is heard as her chakram collides with his dagger, falling to the ground. She flicks her wrist slightly and the chakram returns to her grip, ready to be thrown again.
“But… what about us… we could…” Heartache dripping from every word, but she merely moves forward towards him, throwing both of the chakrams at him.
“I don’t care about you, did you really think I wanted to spend time looking for junk, wasting my time getting close to you? Kay told me long ago only one of us could leave here.”

Jeremy flips over the chakrams, but they shift direction mid-air coming up behind him. He’s momentarily confused, but a blue light warps around his body, and seemingly sucks him in. He appears beside Cierra facing the opposite way, his daggers still at his sides in his hands.
“I don’t believe you… Kay did this. He did something to you. You aren’t the same Cierra I know. The one I love!”
The chakrams fly back to her with a twitch of her wrists, but shift their course for his back instead as she says,
“To love is to destroy.”
            He spins bringing both daggers upward just in time to deflect the chakrams away, a single tear sliding down his cheek. She uses his current unawareness to slip out a small knife from around her knee, and brings her leg in kicking his own legs out from under him. He anticipated this; falling backwards he uses one hand to spring backward, bringing a leg up kicking her in the jaw at the same time. The force of the kick sends her sprawling across the floor, and she drops the knife in the process. Standing up, her eyes are livid with anger as she flicks her wrist and the chakrams return to her grasp.
“DIE!” Is all she screams at him as she throws her chakrams at his body for the last time. He doesn’t even bother to turn around, but instead is engulfed by that same blue light. He appears behind her and smashes the hilt of the daggers into the side of her temple. She crumples to the floor unconscious and he slumps to the floor beside her tears openly spilling down his face.
            “Finish her.” The earpiece momentarily cackles to life, but is accompanied by silence once again.
            “No, I won’t. She’s done fighting I’ve won obviously I won’t harm her anymore then I have to.”
Three guards appear in the door then, two of them holding him back, keeping him on his knees as they press guns to his head. The third stands over her unconscious body, and levels the gun at her forehead. Jeremy’s scream is drowned out by the sound of the bullet jumping into her skull, and then all he sees is black.

            He walks around the building now with a sort of aimless and joyless outlook. He has dark circles under his eyes, his lack of sleep since they murdered her clearly visible. That’s what he knows it was, murder. Yet she was perfectly okay to do kill him, why couldn’t he do the same? He recalled a conversation a few days after she died screaming at Kay, and the cold indifference he seemed to regard her death as if someone had just told him his lunch was ready. That’s all he saw us as from the beginning, an asset, of course he accused Kay of it.

“Obviously you’re an asset, you’re a perfect killing machine. Once you begin taking out my targets you’ll realize how much better you are now that you don’t have love to interfere with your judgment.” Kay had said this as if I would find it relieving.
“Cierra is dead, that deal we made three years ago is over. What makes you think I’m going to do anything you ever tell me do?” His voice hot with choked back tears.
“What else are you going to do? The world is dying and I am trying to breathe new life into it. Sacrifices have to be made Jeremy.”
“She didn’t sacrifice herself, you killed her and I don’t want to be a part of any group who kill people just because it’s convenient.”
“Then leave,” Kay said deceptively calm, “but you have no life outside of us. I have everything you need, and the only life you have now.”


That one got Jeremy’s attention because he was right. He didn’t have anywhere else to go.
“I will never forget this…” Jeremy said, standing up but with more resolve then he had had before.
Kay smiled, a smile that still chilled Jeremy to the bone every time he saw it.
“I hope you never do.”
Jeremy looked back, a puzzled look on his face. “Why?”
“Because,” Kay said as he took a drink of a dark liquid in his cup, “the broken make the best followers.”
Jeremy opens the door as he leaves, shaking his head in disgust.
But here he was, back at this mans door a couple weeks later.
Why?
Because he had nowhere else to go, and Kay knew it as well as Jeremy, and now came the assignments. The leaders that were opposing Apeps that he was supposed to get rid of, it seemed like a good way to fill his time.
 Make him forget Cierra, and her betrayal.
The pain that everything about her had been a lie caused him. He listened to Kay’s instructions on his first target in a place here in Signet City. A man named, Alexander. He only half listened, still distraught over Cierra, over his newly found gaping hole in his heart, and his current situation with Kay.
Kay was right about one thing though; the broken do make the best followers.

Friday, November 15, 2013

"You Can't Be..."

So recently my life has been completely terrible. Plain and simple it's been awful, I won't even try and hide it. Most of the time though, I put my pain on pause and I help everyone because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm always there when anyone needs me, and so I do what I always have and I help in any way possible. It's hard, and I've been falling apart piece by piece for awhile now and everyone is noticing. All of my friends keep telling me this one phrase, and I heard it in my class today as well. I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me something, and it's a hard lesson for me. Everyone keeps telling me that, "You can't be superman to everyone."

I've heard this from so many people, and then again those exact words from my professor to the class. I heard something along that same line this past summer. It doesn't help matters that I have a mild concussion and so concentrating sometimes is harder than I would like it to be.

Life's hard, but I can't do anything to change that. God's got me, I just have to learn how to lean on Him.
Es lo que es.


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Fake It 'Till You Make It...

Warm sunshine glances off of the vibrant colors of the leaves giving a cascading view of the splendor of fall on his walk. The dampened patter of his footsteps along the pavement are muffled by the soft music in his headphones. He walks not to a destination, but away from his present circumstances. The leaves are falling around him and he can't help but smile a little a the irony. He passes many people on his walk, none of them mentionable enough for him to keep a recollection of though, and so he continues to walk.

His mind wanders around, always focusing back to one central concept though. He follows a trail through a park-like area and allows himself to be encased in the natural beauty of the earth. He hears the removed and soft rumble of cars as they drive on their way to some unknown destination in the background, and the soft murmur of the leaves whisking around the wind also remind him of his present situation. His mind wanders, to an instance a couple days before and he allows himself to hope; if only momentarily. He remembers her falling asleep in the early hours of the morning, him sitting there quiet and enjoying being near her. He remembers her reassuring words, and the at home feeling of being around her. His focus shifts though, as the clouds shield the warmth of the sun, and his mood darkens with nature; as if by some divine cue.

He realizes how superficial it's been, and how much of a lack of meaning her words truly carry. He's hurt and disappointed, but he knows that there is no real reason to be either. She was never going to be his, and he should have understood. He pulls out one of his headphones to play with a small puppy for a few minutes. He fakes a smile and moves on once more involved in his thoughts again. He sees her and her friends in a car, and goes over to say hi. After realizing she had been lying down on his lap, his heart drops. He's perfect at playing the fake card though, so he masks his hurt and pretends to enjoy the company of her friends for a couple minutes before leaving again.

The world had once again proven how cruel of a mistress she really is, and the temperature begins to drop as he walks back to his room. New hurt and disappointment flow from his being, but he prays. He prays, because he has nothing else to do with the situation. So he prays, and he prays. After waiting, he gets off of his knees, exhausted and still wounded. Moving from his room, he walks around campus looking for familiar faces to seek solace in and pretend with, but sees the girl and boy cuddling with each other, so once more he smiles away his pain.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Startling Realization

After reading this article, I realize I do want to get married really badly... crap.


Marriage isn't for me it's for the person I love.

Contentedness

Vacant eyed, big eyed stare and uncomprehending facial expressions.

This rather adequately describes the people within my biology class.

Tapping on their keyboards, most people are so blissfully unaware of the knowledge that is being passed along to them, myself included.

Immeasurable time and thought is being placed into this, yet he sits there reading his musical notes. He's absorbed within a reality that is far more real to him then his current situation and so he is content to sit here. He gathers nothing, yet is so involved in his work he forgets to look up even if to make some semblance of trying to pay attention. He's content to sit through the class because it gives him time enough to do other homework, or look up the musical notes that interest him.

She sits there, head on her hands from pain, confusion, and weariness. She's far too tired to do this right now, and far too strong to admit that she's so weary. She takes notes, but only sometimes. Otherwise her phone is the captivator of her attention, and she longs to be anywhere but here. She's content to sit here though because it's necessary, and she enjoys learning when she can focus, and be a good student.

He sits there, coffee on his lap as he looks up other more interesting topics for him to explore because this one is so easily accessible and the knowledge is easy for him to grasp. He looks on, trying to find something to grasp his interest, a superficial knowledge of something more entertaining than this at least. He sits there content to pay partial attention, because there are snippets of information that he does enjoy since he likes the subject.

I sit here, typing away my class trying to find an eloquent way to spend the period yet all I can think of is how I wish for it to be over. I'd much rather my time be spent somewhere else, yet at the same time I'm content to sit here. It gives me time to collect my thoughts, and be within the expanses of my own mind. I sit here content just being near her because I've missed that, I've missed her. 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Climax

So, my mood has been getting better. It's still hard sometimes but it's getting easier a little by little. One of them has removed me from all social media and decided that her life will be better if I only talk to her if I absolutely have to. I understand and respect that completely though it's very hard. Then with the other one, she has decided to start including me in her life again, we're hanging out tomorrow so we'll see how awkward that is...

I saw this poem, and it made me think of them both. Oh well, I'm praying for them both and I really do hope that God does amazing things for and through them.

Fake It

It doesn't matter much and I don't really care
About your flawless smile, and your soft, warm eyed stare.
It shouldn't even affect me
How your laugh rings through my ears
Or how you'd hold my eyes and I'd forget all of my fears.
So i'll just continue on my life
And pretend you were never a part
Because the way you pretend I'm not
Destroys and breaks my heart.